Friday with mixed thoughts

It is a very heavy frost this morning and despite a fire going there was quite a chill overnight.

I have been thinking a lot about my ex coming to visit on the weekend and this morning I had a revolt from the girls who say they don’t want to see their daddy because they are afraid of him.

The really sad thing is it was not always this way, when I met my Ex he was a hard working guy and a sports fanatic. He had a good job and we had a lot of fun.

But as in all the movies and romance stories things started to change, his sports days usually ended up with him coming home late and drunk after having a session with the boys at the bar.

Then the coming home late turned into very late after parties.

We went to counseling to see if we could sort things out, but he couldn’t see his partying and drinking were slowly tearing us apart, to him it was simply letting off steam.

In the September earthquake he was quite alright because he was so drunk he slept through it, despite the girls and I screaming our heads off. But the February and June quakes changed him, especially the February shake. He was in town walking along Hereford Street when the quake struck and collapsed the shops right beside him, part of the verandah  came down pinning him. He was dragged out by passer bys and he was able to limp to an emergency location where he got bandaged. I was able to get into town and pick him up.

After that he changed totally, he didn’t have a work place anymore, our home was wrecked but we stayed there and his drinking was far worse and he became violent, several times he hit me in the head and face after really bad arguments. On several occasions I had to take the girls around to Pops to get away from him.

When the June quake struck I was hit in the head by a roof tile that came down off the house, he just laughed almost hysterically and then I lost it, with blood streaming down my face I unloaded on him. He simply walked down the driveway and was in Australia 3 days later.

I tried to contact him but he wouldn’t respond so finally with Pops support the girls and I picked up our lives moved into Pops old house and he moved into a flat he owned and we have been here ever since. I have not had a word from my ex since he walked down the drive until an email a few weeks ago just before I met Bear, he wanted me to pick up and move to Australia.

I had heard from mutual friends that the girl he was living with had moved out so I knew the email was him simply looking for the next soft touch.

Then yesterday I get a phone call to say he will be here today and wants to stay the weekend, I told him he wasn’t staying and that I had met another man and he was staying here with us,  but I (rather stupidly agreed ) to meet him anyway.

Last night I rang Bear and we talked things over, he suggests the girls and I meet my ex at a mall, or somewhere public where we are safe and are unlikely to face a tirade, Bear says he is quite prepared to go with me but feels that will be confrontational so he will simply be in the area where I can call him if I need to get away.

So that is what is happening, I will be meeting my ex at a mall, incidentally Pop thinks I am crazy but I really need to do this. First for my own peace of mind to find out if my feelings are truly dead and buried, but more importantly; I would like the girls to meet their daddy when he isnt drunk or stressed.I hope they will not always have an image of their father standing over them Calling them “#^&*#&# bitches” etc as its important for every child to have that last image of their father being something they can remember with happy memories. If this doesn’t work and I have a feeling it will be too much for Talia then at least I tried for their sake, then we can all move on.

Pops ankle is much better today but he won’t be doing any work around the place as he is still hobbling after his fall yesterday, so its a day off for him. My Bear will be in later this morning and we are going to meet for lunch. He wants to get my bedroom finished but I have told him to leave it until after the weekend.

I am going to ask Bear to move in full time, Pop thinks it’s a good idea, the girls do and I think I love him.

He isnt the idea of the man I thought I would end up with, but he is everything I would want in a life partner. I think he loves me, we have lots of hugs, hand holding and kisses, he is always there when I need help but never close enough to say he hovers over me.

The girls just love him to bits and all last night they kept nagging me about getting Bear to come and live with us. So this weekend I am going to pop the question to Bear and now I am doubly nervous and a little excited. I am nervous about the Ex coming but excited about having a Bear in my bed LOL.

Yes I am aware there is still the issue of his ex, but I think she has ensured that relationship is done and dusted, I just want Bear to feel the same way, if it isn’t then we will wait; but oh boy I hope I don’t have too.