A where are we day.

We are in recovery mode today, the girls are tired but still talking about their experiences yesterday. I have to say I have been buzzing all night, thinking of the people I met, the conversations and the whole experience of being part of such a group of people that have vastly different life experiences than my own.

I guess more than anything it highlights just how sheltered and narrow my own life experiences have been, I don’t want to live the rest of my life like that but I am not sure I am brave enough to simply leap into another more exuberant or vital lifestyle.

I have tended to live my life in suburbia, safe and content between the fences of my  property, in my house with my two little girls, yesterdays experience has shown me doorways to a bigger life, but is it really for me.

The other thing about yesterday is my Bear. I guess its all about perceptions and the perceptions I have of him have been basically shattered. Not necessarily in a bad way but definitely in a different way.

My perception of Bear was that is a man of life who was tired and alone, basically burnt out. When I first met him he was coming out of a broken relationship and he seemed to be simply wanting to get through life. He has been beaten down and there is no doubt about that, he has gone from being a successful businessman through bankruptcy to living in second hand clothes . All of these things I knew about him as he was totally honest about them.

However yesterday in talking to his friends and neighbours I have a very different view of him, for example there are parts of his spirituality that many  of his friends have shared with him, they all say and I would believe it he is very psychic but he will not use it.

He is a staunchly faithful friend that will go to extraordinary lengths to help a friend, even to the detriment of himself, as what happened in him losing his business because he tried to help friends who in the end betrayed him.
I heard many other examples of Bears life where has has literally put his life and lifestyle on the line to help people.

These are other people experiences of my Bear not my own idealistic and perhaps biased view, nor are they bears version of himself. Yet when I look down him sound asleep on my couch he doesn’t look anything like the man I heard about.

The big warning I got from people and more in the way of insinuation is that he sucks really bad in relationships, he hangs on to all of them and wont let them go. I am guessing this is part of his loyalty thing with friends and I will need to sort that through with him.

The aspect of his relationship with the Pops lady often confused me, but yesterday I had a chance to talk with her, its not easy because she definitely will not open up. She has had some very bad experiences in the past and because of that had to let her children go into care, they are now adults and are now quite close to her.

Bear took her under his wing and though they didnt live together they lived in some sort of defacto relationship and he helped and protected her. Part of that relationship with her was most probably one of the issues in his last relationship.

Pop is a man who does not take on friends easily, that is one of the reasons I trusted Bear in his relationship with this woman, she has been totally honest about his relationship with Pop and what Pop has told me verifies what I have now learnt from Bear, his neighbour and friends.

As I said above, Bears problem is he does not let go of old relationships no matter how hurtful they may be to him,

The other thing I have learnt is the unusual aspect of certain young men and their relationship with Bears last partner. From what I gather none actually met her and yet all rave of what a lovely woman she was; go figure !!!!!!

Im guessing she must have had some sort of online relationship with several of these men, but I could be doing her a great an injustice and in the end it doesn’t matter to me.

Its just that I like to know how things work and she doesn’t fit any normal pattern of a partner.

Bear is fiercely loyal about her and would never say a cross word, he takes the whole blame of their failed relationship on his shoulders, yet there is something that does not sit well in that.

She must be about my age, therefore 20 years something younger than Bear, they have 2 children and Bear has never lived with her. She seems to have maintained some sort of “online” relationship with at least four of the men I spoke to yesterday, all this while in a relationship with Bear.  In her defence  when Bear met her he was quite wealthy and successful but during the time of the relationship which seems to have been about 16 years his business failed because of the trust he put in certain friends. From that she must have had to deal with a Bear in a downward spiral while trying to protect her young babes, which would have been frightful and very confusing. She would have ended up with a man who was very different to the one she met.

Well all I can say in trying to understand my Bear is, that the failure of his last relationship is not entirely his fault, obviously both of them had issues that contributed to its end.

Bears downward spiral seems to have ended and now he is trying to pick up the pieces, I know there is a great risk in going into a relationship as confusing as those Bear has had in the past. However I don’t intend to repeat his failures so Bear and I will talk all these things through so we have a workable plan or we wont have a relationship.

After yesterday and having some lovely times with him, I want to share my life with him, but not to the detriment of my girls or myself, so if we can’t be in a relationship then we need to be in a friendship with very strict guidelines.

So my darling bear I hope you are up for some in depth talking over the next few days.

One of the most enjoyable aspect of yesterday and this is why I keep nick names for people including my darling Bear was that bear told me he could not be “sexually” active because of a prostrate operation that went wrong, well we have found that is not true. This is because umm while we were cuddling we were both “shocked” at what rose between us and he was ecstatic to say the least and it was the first time in 2 years he has had an erection that stayed, hmmmm clever little me.

By the way we never used it, it was merely an observation, and a sign that things perhaps are on the mend for my Bear both physically and emotionally, but going as far as being sexually active with him just now is not an option.

Well I must go, Bear is out building me new garden Boxes, yaaaaa a gardening day.