Not a Happy day.

Well my day has been a very sad one with lots of tears.

My Bear and I have decided that we should perhaps step back from the relationship issue and just stay good friends.

This has come about because of a lot of soul searching today, too much wine last night in which Jason and I were rather stupid and behaved abominably.

Bear had very little or no wine to drink last night because he wanted to be out at the nursery early this morning, so he went to bed early. Jason and I stayed on drinking wine and talking and got a little too familiar and were caught by Bear who had got up to go to the toilet and saw us in a rather passionate embrace.

He was ok about it, in fact he simply walked off and went to bed; this morning he simply suggested that perhaps I should have a think about where I want to be and what sort of person I want in a relationship.
The problem I have with Mr Bear is I wish sometimes he would just lose his cool and get angry instead of being so in control of his emotions, however I decided to do as he suggested.

In doing this I have looked at myself more than Bear and I am not really proud of the person I sometimes can be. I try to be an open and honest person and yes that means I do leave myself open to hurt and ridicule. I realised a long time ago that I am not an easy person to live with but Mr Bear took all my peculiarities in his stride, as I did his I think.

First I realise I have looked on Bear as I do my father, he is of the same age as Pop and I tend to lean on him as my elder rather than my partner.

Because of the age difference we have different priorities, Bear doesn’t need people; he needs a purpose. Without purpose he drifts and when he drifts he can be aimless and lethargic.

I do need people and over the last few days I had to say in all honesty I have loved my time with Jason and his brother and sister, he is more fun orientated than Bear and right now its the joy of life that I want or need

When I met Bear he had no purpose in his life, he had just come from a broken relationship, hurting from that with no real idea of what he wanted to do. The girls and I became his purpose, he loved us, cared for us and did everything from dishes to house repairs; he tried everything to please us and he did that hugely.

But when Jason offered him an area of his farm to lease so Bear could start his nursery I saw the  change and he was truly happy, he now had his own purpose and goals and now he is happy and motivated. He wants to live near his nursery and be there full time. I was happy to do that, but there was something missing in our relationship and I think it was the fun out of life aspect I was worried about losing.

Bear has the maturity to see me for who and what I am, and I know I am foolish and I know once again Bear has been hurt, but it was he who suggested that perhaps what he offered was not what I needed and on reflection today I have agreed. Its not a very tactful way for him to find out and quite frankly if I hadnt had so much fun and been a little tipsy perhaps I would have learnt to be happy with my Bear.

What I have done to Bear has hurt me hugely, and I have just told the girls and they are bit sad, but they have had Kyle and Kelly around today to humour them, so I doubt it will hit them just yet.

I don’t know where Jason and I stand, he says he wants to be with me; but he is very young and I dont want to become to him, what Bear was to me. Besides we hardly know each other beyond kissing and cuddling.

I think Bear will still be living here for a while, if I know him he will simply move back to his room, but I know he will leave soon so he can be on site with his true love, his nursery. He has been out there all afternoon, I have spoken to him and told him basically what I have written here, he is ok with it.

I was concerned it was going to cause trouble between Jason and Bear, but they both are old friends and it has not caused any issues.
Bear said there is no blame, it is simply one of the turns life throws at us, when that corner came up instead of going straight ahead I took a turn of the road, jeeez wish I could see life as that simple.

I rang my father to tell him and I got a real talking too, so I know I have disappointed Pop who got on very well with Bear.

Jason has been here with me all day and we have talked things through, we are not an item as I think I have done enough damage for now, but we have agreed that we want to continue to see each other as much as possible. He has invited the children and I out to the farm next weekend and I have agreed to go.

The odd thing is I don’t feel as happy as I thought I would in having the chance to be with Jason, I just think sometimes I am such a foolish person, I want to make sure this time it is right.

I  have spoken to Paula and she is happy for me, she has always seen the age bracket between Bear and I as an issue,  I did not and still do not; to me it was we just have different roads to travel.

I have just heard from Bear by phone again, he has decided to call his nursery “Ewbie Gardens” in honour of his friend who left his farm to Jason and from that made all this possible for him, sadly he has said he will stay at his place tonight and comein early tomorrow to take the girls to school and then we can have a talk. I am really looking forward to that, NOT.

The one thing I am sure of is now he is the master of his own destiny those gardens and nursery will be the best he can make them.
I am glad he is happy, if he truly is, but right now I feel like a heel.